[07 Dec 2009|07:03am] dirty__glamour My septum is infected, or at least remarkably irritated. At 8ga, it's the first time I've actually been able to smell it. Also, my microdermal won't resettle after I bumped it this last time. The girl & I have finally reached that place of communication, comfort & compassion all relationships strive towards. I find myself falling in love with her all over again. She leaves for California in 13 days; I am something similar to terrified, but more in the sad range. Thank god I don't actually care about Christmas. I find myself thinking about monetary issues constantly. A beer here, a couple skirts there - T-Mobile just fucked me for 125.00 dollars. Jen is convinced I have a serious spending addiction; I'm hard pressed not to agree with her. Kraven & I have been spending nearly every day together. He's my best friend. We may not have as much fun as I did with Renee, or as many adventures as I did with Brettney, or as much comfort as I did with Julie, but I enjoy it. We have long, in-depth intellectual discussions about spirituality, pick on each other & support/take care of each other as fully as we can. He's a truly unique & humbling human being. I dislike nearly all my co-workers & my bosses, but this job is so simple. I wish I wanted to challenge myself more these days. I can't make any decisions lately. What tattoo to get, what color to dye my hair, what battered friendships are worth saving. Today I'm going to the gym after work. This week I'll be starting the process of re-bleaching my hair. Little steps towards a bigger change. 1

[04 Dec 2009|04:12pm] dirty__glamour Staring in the bathroom mirror at Dan's; everyone doing cocaine in the living room. I looked in my own eyes - completely detached. "You don't need to do coke. No matter how badly you want it, how badly you think you need it. Come back to this situation & see how strong you've become. Please don't let yourself do this." The entire night, the entire last year, the last 10 years... flashing lights, full lungs, lies, liars, molestations & beatings (physically, mentally), love, sweating palms, debauchery, falling face down just to fly fly fly... (I didn't.) 9

[03 Dec 2009|09:08pm] dirty__glamour Driving back from a mini-road trip with Kraven, Kourtney & Jen. I just had a dance party in the front seat alone to Lady Gaga, then Eisley, then Lil Wayne, then HeIsLegend. This about sums up my life these days. 3

[03 Dec 2009|01:55am] dirty__glamour How odd to go to a fire at Lydia's... & have Renee, CR, Dan-oh, Lil Dave, Brink, Burnham & some random kid I met at a party be there... & Devon & Megan, awkward the only way you can be with someone you have a past with. I had a lot of fun. Memories & inside jokes & happiness & beer & free whiskey. But I was so sad to realize La Familia is no more. Those unbreakable bonds; broken. I'll miss that more than anything for the rest of my life. I'm a little drunk & the rain keeps falling, falling, falling. I'm happy right now. Right now being the term. I love Jen. I love Kraven. The present can't be the history, or replace the life I led. But it can be great all on it's own.

[01 Dec 2009|11:08pm] dirty__glamour I'm at Styxx (the fag bar, which I happen to be a regular at) & it's crawling with hipsters. I'm surrounded by girls in DIY'd band t-shirts, slouchy ankle boots; boys drinking PBR because it's ironic, pants tighter than any I own. Me & my floral tube dress & wedge heels do not belong. GET OUT OF MY GAY BAR, STRAIGHT HIPSTERS. I WANT TO LISTEN TO LADY GAGA AND DANCE WITH ADORABLY PRISSY FAGS. 12

[30 Nov 2009|07:19am] dirty__glamour I feel like I'm not giving ya'll a well-rounded, every-side-of-the-story perspective on my life. I rarely write when something positive happens, probably due to being so engulfed in it that writing in my livejournal doesn't take prescendent. I'm a very vunerable person. I trust easily & love hard. I constantly expect out of others what I myself can rarely give. So when someone hurts me, they really hurt me. But something changed in the last couple of years. I've started holding grudges; refusing to forgive. That's so unlike me. So yesterday I decided to start somewhere. I texted Dan; we're getting coffee today. I messaged Alana; we're going to get a drink sometime soon. I messaged CR; he hasn't responded, but I doubt he will. They're small victories over the larger issue, but it's something. All 3 of them were at one point considered my "best friend". I'd like to get the courage to message Julie, Sam X, Ben & Lexy, Renee... I don't know if I ever will. But I feel lighter already; closer to my more balanced & affectionate self. Jen's leaving in 20 days for California. She'll be gone for 9 days. I'm petrified. I have horrible anxiety & seperation issues. I haven't ever gone that long without her since we began dating. I'm sure I'll be fine - panic attacks & all - but I'm not looking forward to it. Thank god I have some entertaining, albeit not that close, friends. I've really let my personal care routine go during this bout of depression for the last couple of months. I stopped going to the gym, didn't make certain appointments I promised myself I would. I find that even doing my hair or showering takes excess effort on my behalf. I need to remember to care about myself before I try to worry & care about others. I'm a very fortunate woman. I've got a partner who I'm absolutely infatuated with still, 8 months down the road, who feels the same about me. I have a very fostering, understanding relationship with my father. I have a mother who is not only a role model for me in her strength, but the best friend I could ever hope for, in thick & thin. I hold a job that, while not challenging, pays well & offers me some sense of monetary security. I've met a best friend who transcends any physical want/need & skips directly to emotional fulfillment. I can look in the mirror, in my closet, in my bank account & be satsified with what I see. I know my talents for writing & empathy & sociology are brilliant. I'm lonely often, but am even beginning to appreciate that. I'm questioning things constantly; finding the little details overwhelming. 4

[29 Nov 2009|11:36am] dirty__glamour I hate knowing they call each other "fam"; that they're using my jokes to make each other laugh during their Adderal-induced overnights. These were my best friends - the people who told me "always" & I was stupid (or drunk) enough to believe it. Dan, Jude, even Tracie... I can & will be perfectly fine without them. Kraven is not only a good, but a great, best friend. Jen don't fight like we use to when we were over there constantly. I can actually trust that what I say to someone in confidence will stay as such. The liquor I buy lasts longer; I enjoy it more. I don't get hangovers every day, simply because I don't feel the need to get belligerant every night. Do I miss the unadultered laughter? The easiness of their friendships? The constantly company, so close to home? The "always-down-for-anything" group mentality? Of course I do. I can't say if the negitives outweigh the positives in this case - not yet. I'll find out. Maybe by this time next week everything will be fine again... or maybe when Jen & I leave in Febuary, my friendships with them & that entire group will be severed. I'm sick of living in the future. The present is passing me by, like the moments before something great happens. I'm learning to appreciate the build-ups, with or without the people I thought we're my "family".

[27 Nov 2009|02:53pm] dirty__glamour I am overwhelmed trying to make my Christmas wishlist. Someone please just come to my house & tell me what I need. I really should just put gift cards on there & leave it at that. Thanksgiving was okay. Nothing to write home about, except for the cheap champagne Jen & Kraven & I got drunk on. I really would like someone to bring me flowers & chocolates & a day off. 2

[26 Nov 2009|02:23am] dirty__glamour I like my mania. 3

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